Beat The Challenge
Beat The Challenge
  • Home
  • Donate
  • TJ's Challenge Blog
  • About
  • Contact
  • Home
  • Donate
  • TJ's Challenge Blog
  • About
  • Contact

TJ's Challenge Blog

A Torch to Lite my Way

12/6/2011

18 Comments

 
Picture
Over the past twelve days while my body battles healing complications, insomnia and discomfort, my mind has been at war with anxiety, frustration and depression and I have not made it out of the clouds yet. Deliverance to a content and confident mind does not come easily… Does one rage against the impending darkness with fight and vigor or attempt to move calmly forward by acceptance and patience? In all honesty, neither come easily nor are they the answer to ...
every situation. However, there are moments when these attitudes are necessary and have helped me break through this thick fog, even if it’s only for a moment, to regain site of the goal, grasp it, and hold on for dear life as I plunge back into the depths. For now I have gained something more valuable than anything else to help along the journey, a torch to lite my way through the darkness.

My first torch in this surgery recovery was lit by an email my father forwarded me. The original sender I know all to well and his fire and passion was enough to brighten up my day with a boost of strength and resilience:

Date 7/15/11 (Two days after my diagnosis)

Dad,

Now, let me tell you something. I may not have always believed that everything happens for a reason, or may not have always been the most religious person, but I do most definitely believe there is a certain order to things. I believe that there is some spiritual higher power out there and that he leaves the difficult tasks and choices to us. He does not provide the crutch for you stand on, rather he lets you to learn to walk on your own because it will make you stronger in the end.

Well Dad, I think your subliminal psychic has been working for a long time, I am not sure if you realize it yet, but you…..yes……… you have been preparing me for this battle my entire life. Twenty eight years of car rides, golf matches, hockey games, phone calls, and dinners filled with “Believe you will and you will,” “Visualize the goal,” and countless other confidence, focus and resiliency building methods have developed me into the perfect solider with the right mental tools for this battle and I am ready to go to war. I have never been more focused on a goal or more confident of the outcome and no matter what is thrown at me, or what speed bump comes in my path, I will be resilient, I will over come it and smash this disease over and over until it retreats back to extinction. This illness should be scared of me, because I am nothing it has ever seen before and it has no clue who its fucking with.

I will end this with my a story about my indian spirit guide: The Bumblebee (who I also saved from certain death in the pool last week)

“Traditional wisdom says the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly; its body is too big and its wings too small for it to develop the lift required for flight. Aerodynamically speaking, it’s just not possible for it to fly.
But the bumblebee doesn’t know this, so it just goes ahead and flies anyway.”

 I don’t know anything other than the light at the end of this tunnel, I am zeroed in and focused, nothing will stop me.

I love so very much – Teejabeej-aweej-apeej” (a nickname my Dad called me as a child.)

It is amazing what can come from one’s own soul when able to reach deep enough inside to let it shine. The day following, my determination had returned as I stepped up my “walking” exercises with my Mom (who’s by my side all day when Amanda has to work) and elevated my diet to some easily digestible solid foods. The grilled haddock and mashed potatoes exploded with flavor and texture as I did my best to refrain from over eating. The day had been a little bit easier, the food was great, and the best part…my mind seemed to be soaring above the fog… Although, the problem with torches is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep them burning…they go out…… Darkness returns.

That very same night of that beautiful day… panic sets in… as my body temperature rises to 101 and my energy level drastically drops. I was instructed to call my surgical team if my temperature ever rises over 100.5, as a good cancer soldier I follow my orders. The next day, accompanied by my family and fiance I endured 9 hours in the emergency room subjected to blood work, a chest xray, a urine test and a CT scan (and all the fun bowel moving liquids that come with it.) I am moved into ER observation for the night and given the explanation that a small sign of inflammation or  fluid collection can be seen at the site of anastomosis (where my colon and rectum were reconnected.) The fluid build up was not large enough to be drained so the next course of action would be to take antibiotics. The goal of the antibiotics would be to clear up any infection so my body can continue healing as planned, but it is not a definitive treatment and a larger collection of fluid still has a possibility to develop. If that speed bump arises they will treat it by draining it (very uncomfortably) and I hopefully can continue on my path. After 22 hours and a good lab report on my white blood cell counts I was released back into the wild (Amanda again never left my side), my body so weak from lack of food and sleep….I could barely move. I was provided with instructions to be vigilant for any signs of infection. As you can imagine, the fog was thicker than ever, it felt like I was back a step 1…. all I could think about was where is my torch now?

So many of you have provided me with the fuel to light that torch with your amazing letters, prayers, messages, visits, phone calls and texts. They keep me floating, moving on, and always heading towards the light at the end of this tunnel. Any detour that has come my way, you have been there for me, guiding me back on to the path. Some amazing nurses, who I relate to more as angels than people have carried me on their own backs over some of the biggest hurtles, I am forever grateful and could never thank you enough. But the torch, my latest torch was passed to me yesterday by my amazing Oncologist Dr. David Ryan, as he came in with an enormous smile on his face and said…..

“We got it all.”I love you All – Teej =-P

p.s. I thought that was the most suiting words to leave this blog off on, but as usual I like to leave some information on my current medical schedule and an anecdotal tip. Recovery is going to take a while, it could be another month…maybe longer until I am feeling almost normal again. Especially if they need to use drains or other treatments (like temporary ileostomy) to take care of the collection. Think of it similar to my body going through two major car accidents in a month. It is just going to take time. The plan after I am recovered from this surgery and in the new year is to continue my chemotherapy treatment for another eight to twelve weeks ( to prevent any cancer from returning.) That may be followed up by radiation targeted at my rectum to in my oncologists words “Mop things up.” And as I strive to move onto the next leg of this race, we grow ever closer to that light at the end of the tunnel. It justs going to take some time…. time and lot of patience.

Speaking of patience here is my p.p.s.: An amazing nurse who recently joined my medical team gave me a tip on how to keep that torch lit. It’s wonderful advice and I think would beneficial to all of you. I will do my best to paraphrase:

What you are going through is a very long thing, the most important attribute to keep in m ind is patience. You may get frustrated with how fast things are going and you need to step back, calm down and think, think of yesterday and think of today and think of that one thing. That one single tiny thing that feels better from the day before. Maybe its from two days before, maybe a week. But think of that one thing and hold onto it, relish it, because overtime that one little step forwards becomes a giant step forward and eventually you will make it there.
Picture
18 Comments
Bob Parise December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:02:15 pm

Beautiful – keep up the fight TJ. Glad to hear of the progress. We’ll keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming. Bob Parise & family

Reply
Jessica Chester December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:02:34 pm

Amazing story and fight! You are such an inspiration to us all!!!! Keep up the good fight!
Jessica Chester
Tom’s wife!

Reply
mom December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:02:59 pm

Well Teej, once again you have moistened my cheeks with tears. I read this blog that you just finished while I sat in the same room and at the same table across from you, I look and wonder how you do what you do. I watch the steps forward and then backwards and when that happens I feel like my heart will stop. I want to reach out and push away the panic and fog from your eyes and all I can really do is listen, keep you moving, try to see if I can give you nourishment even when you do not want it., wipe away the tears you hold back or just hug you and cover you with a blanket when your resting.
I know the days have been long and the nights even longer but each day is closer to you beating this and I will continue to be by your side whenever I am needed and even when I am not.
I, your dad, sisters, brother in-laws,niece and nephews and of course your beautiful Amanda along with our wonderful supportive family and friends all know and expect nothing but a CURE and we will continue to keep the torch going for you.
You INSPIRE all of us to look for the Good in everything…

xoxo

Reply
Annie December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:03:21 pm

Amazing love…..

Reply
TJ Baudanza December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:03:52 pm

I love you Mom, and just having you hear has kept a constant torch going that provides warmth and comfort. Touche on the moist cheek thing, we’re even.

Reply
Debbie December 7, 2011
10/9/2015 06:04:14 pm

You are an inspiration to me and heaven knows, how many more. With love and prayers for continues successes. DEB

Reply
Tom Mc December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:04:37 pm

Way to go TJ. What a beautiful day. Thoughts and prayers from FL.

Reply
Melissa Fabick December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:04:59 pm

TJ,
That is great news!! This has not been an easy battle by any means but with your positive attitude and all of us by your side we will continue to help you fight and keep that torch burning bright. You are an inspiration to so many and when you are having one of those dark foggy days or nights know that you have a huge team of supporters and soliders here to help pick you up and help get you to that finish line. We are praying for you and hoping for a smooth recovery.

If you are wondering why your smoke detectors keep going off or why Amanda is hot on these cold winter days, well it is because that torch is burning bright!! Keep fighting hard and keep that torch burning. :)

Always in our thoughts and prayers. Happy Holidays!

Xoxo
Melissa

Reply
Nancy Spano December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:05:21 pm

TJ
I’ve never known anyone in my life who has given me such inspiration as you do !!!!! I’m so thrilled for you and your loved ones and I wish you and Amanda all the luck in the world !!!CONGRATS !!!! Your Awesome, keep kicking ASS !!!
Nancy :)

Reply
mary December 6, 2011
10/9/2015 06:05:43 pm

Wow TJ.. I’m a total stranger to you but that is the most touching blog ive ever read. It makes me want to be a better person, a better mother etc. You seem so strong and determined that I know you are going to beat this. Remember that a struggle is always part of a victory. You have such a bright future ahead or you with your wonderful bride. Keep doing exactly what you have been. Keep your head up high, you’ve got this!!!

Reply
Jim Houle December 7, 2011
10/9/2015 06:06:07 pm

TJ – this is great news! I am glad for you and your family that your medical team has cleared your system of the disease. I pray that your lifestyle and habits will evolve so that this horrible curse never returns. You must remain ever vigilant! Best of luck in your continued recovery. Happy Holidays from Augusta, ME.

Reply
sandy de bellis December 7, 2011
10/9/2015 06:06:29 pm

T.J. – I’m a friend of Debbie Hayes Larsen from way back when, we worked together u- two peas in a pod always getting into mischief. When I saw her post I couldn’t help but read the article – Yes I got weepy too – God Bless your strength and determination and, of course, your wonderful support team, mom, dad, fiancee. Went through an awful situation when my daughter was 10 – now she’ll be 45 OMG.!! I can appreciate all that happened and feeling good about what’s happening now and forward.

Reply
Betty Ann Wakely December 8, 2011
10/9/2015 06:07:58 pm

TJ-I have been periodically checking in on you through this blog and want to first thank you for sharing your journey, faith and courage. Congratulations to you and Amanda on your engagement and I am so happy for you that Dr Ryan was able to deliver such wonderful news. You have touched my heart with your courage and determination. My prayers and best wishes for you as you continue your recovery. You are proof to us all that with God anything is possible.
God Bless,
Betty Ann

Reply
Rich T December 9, 2011
10/9/2015 06:08:27 pm

TJ- I am a friend of your dad’s. Purveyor of many things of the bumble-bee genre. Your incredible generous loving spirit will keep the torch bright forever. Keep tapped into it. As a famous songwriter says: “No love is lost”. “Diamonds from the rain”. Prayers, Peace and Grace.

Reply
The Buckley's December 9, 2011
10/9/2015 06:08:58 pm

Teej: all of us are not only behind you, but admire both you and Amanda for setting an example of courage, through the most difficult of adversities that life can throw at one. You guys are an inspiration to all. You will behead this monster! We are linked to our favorite patron, St. Jude, who surely answers consistent prayers. We will continue our prayers to support your mission to overcome this disease, which we all believe you are well along your way in completing. Ups and downs, especially on the emotional side will occur. Stay strong, positive and this too, will pass. Can’t wait to celebrate your wedding! The Buckley’s

Reply
Dave December 23, 2011
10/9/2015 06:09:25 pm

God bless you TJ! You continue to amaze me and I have to believe everyone around you! We are all with you in mind and spirit and I have to believe God is on your side as well!!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

God Love and God Bless You!

Dave

Reply
John Urban, Sr December 29, 2011
10/9/2015 06:09:49 pm

Happy New Year TJ…… may it be filled with all good things for you and yours….you all deserve it….believe that!!!

Reply
Annonymous January 9, 2012
10/9/2015 06:10:20 pm

I found The beat the challenge section on the breathing room yoga’s community website. Recently a friend of mine as well came head on to this disease. Awareness and prevention cannot be stressed enough. Raising awareness is what he has shown us to do by leaving behind one word “relentless”. I see similarities in words you have written to those he has. May you find strength and all that you do and love surrounding you. Continue to inspire and share your story and be relentless.

http://www.relentlessagainstcancer.org/

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author


    TJ Baudanza
    ​A 28 year old, fighting to kick Stage 4 Colon Cancer's Ass.

    Archives

    October 2015
    May 2015
    February 2015
    July 2014
    October 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    June 2012
    April 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Home

About

Donate

Blog

        Copyright © 2015     Beatthechallnge.org  ​