Stream of Consciousness as the Light Grows Brighter

Hey Everyone,

Time passes…but is it fleeting? I am currently on my 4th cycle of chemo therapy and it is so strange that almost 2 months have passed since I was told I had cancer. Speaking of which, do you know what I told my Dad when we were sitting in the Dr.’s office waiting for the diagnosis? “I do not want to know my chances, any percentages, or a time limit….because they do not apply to me, they will not apply to me, we will beat this thing no matter what.” To this day, I have still not asked or been told what they are because I do not want to know, because I am not a statistic, because I believe.

Life does not have set rules, the young, healthy, and strong sometimes pass on, and the  old, sickly, and weak sometimes live to see another day. There are miracles and there are tragedies that occur everyday that can never be explained. And then there is the common belief that “everything happens for a reason,” but does it really? I can’t believe that, because there are millions of horrific, indescribable events that simply shouldn’t have happened to so many innocent people. What I can say is that good does come from all evil, and in the end there is always peace. Every living thing has energy within them, energy that has all originated from the same source, and when your body dies your energy still goes on… because energy does not simply disappear, it is just transferred to something else…. I think it returns to that source. In a way that means we are all connected, we are all part of that same energy. This can hold true regardless of your religion, we all came from the same place and will all return to that place, back together again, as one. So shouldn’t we treat each other like we are one? Isn’t that the basis of most religions? To be good to one another?

I didn’t really plan on getting onto this subject, because it simply fuels anger, it is the cause of the most hatred and bloodshed since, well, mankind. But I guess you can’t really control stream of consciousness…. it just goes where the mind takes you. Organized religion does so good for so many, but has done so bad for so many as well. When the corrupt take control of it and skew beliefs so they can gain personal power, you know it is usually headed in the wrong direction. Our history is littered with atrocities in the name of god: The Inquisition, Aztec Human Sacrifices, Witch Trials, Roman Persecution of Christians,  Thuggee Murders, The Crusades, The Holocaust, Islamic Jihads… the list goes on and on, and can go on, and will probably go on forever. I was raised Catholic, but I for sure do not believe in every single writing in the bible. So I just try to stick to the basics, the simple, and the simplest it can get for me is believing….and believing is the most Positive Energy there is. Interestingly enough, that is where organized religion can cause so much good, it brings a large community of people together to support one another, to be good to one another, to believe. It helps spread positive energy to millions.

So many of you, regardless of your specific religions have been believing and praying so hard for me and I can feel that positive energy fuel me towards my goals. I didn’t really want to say this because it sounds corny, but hey, stream of consciousness right? “It’s like the wind beneath my wings.” And I don’t mean angel wings! Well, keep the energy  flowing because I just got some more great news yesterday morning. Carcinoembryonic Antigen (CEA) is a tumor marker in my blood and the original level at my time of diagnosis was 295.5, I just learned that before my third cycle of chemo started that level dropped like a stone to 171.0. A doctor would say this is not a definitive guide to my health, but it is a really good indication that things are heading in the right direction! I believe the cancer is leaving my body.

As for the next steps in the process, I have a CT scan on Wednesday, Sept 14th and a meeting on Thursday, Sept 15 with my Physician and Surgeon to review the scan and  determine how the chemo has actually affected lesions in my body. The surgeon will then decide whether he wants me to continue further with the chemotherapy or if I should begin preparation for my surgeries (which would be in about a month.) There is a careful balance between chemotherapy and surgery: The chemo makes the surgery “less complicated” because it is intended to shrink the tumors and gives him more room to work with. But the chemo is also poisonous to my liver which makes liver surgery higher risk, if he was to remove too much of my liver and I did not have enough healthy liver left…. well, you get the gist. However, I trust their judgement as they are amazing doctors, I believe we are still on the “Path to a Cure,” and the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter.

Much Love – Teej

p.s. Time may be fleeting for some more than others…. so shouldn’t we help one another, make things easier and people happier? I visited the most amazing non profit organization yesterday called Christopher’s Haven. They provide housing to out of state/country families who bring their children to Mass General Hospital for cancer treatment. I can’t think of a more noble cause than providing comfort to children and their families during such a difficult time. It allows the kids to have the support system nearby that they desperately need, so righteously deserve, and that I am so lucky to already have. I know I have such a wonderful army with so much energy, maybe some of you could send some of it their way too?… Oh yea… My Family and I met the most adorable and personable little girl there, I believe she was turning 10* today. Happy Birthday Jasmine!

*Updated, Thank Ma for the correct age! Anti-Nausea meds makes me a bit loopy.