“TJ, believe me, this is never something I wanted to tell you, but unfortunately the disease has returned. There is recurrence in…….
What a familiar feeling? To look around and see your friend’s and family’s eyes filled with tears again. No, they are not tears of joy. They come from some place different, some place much, much darker, a place where you hide away and harbor your deepest fears, hoping, praying, wishing, that they will never have a chance to bloom
and come to fruition. Oh God, where is that handle, that crutch, that torch I have used to stabilize myself before, I must grab hold before the ground gives way and I fall back again forever into darkness? How to be strong and resilient again. Wheres is that focus that I have so often preached, that inspirational badge that I have repeatedly heard and so undutifully earned. Which direction is up and which is down, I know what I will say and how I will say it, but I need to find that solid ground before I become a false prophet and lead these people I love so dearly forever astray.
Those tears, those eyes, my Mom, my Dad, their faces…. Oh god, please show me the direction, show me the light, help me…. help me make this stop!. .. Wait….That sound, the heavy breathing, a sniffle, a whimper behind me and a small shaking hand reaches out searching for strength and warmth. Not her, please, I can’t look at her…. Do I even have it? How can I offer it to her if it’s not there? I turn and look…
The pain, the fear in the those eyes, those beautiful brown eyes I have come to love so dearly. The hurt…. I WILL NOT LET THEM HURT. My strength, my resilience… I can feel it! My confusion, my doubt, its fading…. it’s gone… I don’t care how much pain I have to endure, I WILL NOT LET THEM HURT YOU. Look at me!…See my eyes… Believe me, I will not let them hurt you! I will endure, I will beat this again and again and again, because I live for you. Because I love you.
…. your liver, your lymph-nodes, and a very small location in your chest.” – Terry
“Ok, let’s beat this thing again” – TJ
All of my Love – Teej
p.s. Tomorrow the battle begins again. I had my powerport placed back in my clavicle area yesterday and I am a little sore from it. I start a slightly different cocktail than my last chemotherapy called FOLFURI Avastin. Basically they are replacing the oxaliplatin with irenotecan, this should get rid of the really bad neuropathy I dealt with during my last 12 cycles of chemo although, it does come with a couple fun new side affects like hair loss, cramping and diarrhea. So if I cut short and run after my wedding vows, don’t take it personally, nature calls haha. Anyway, I apologize if this one was a tear jerker. I figured some of you may want to know how one reacts to news like this, my thought process behind it, and most importantly where I derive my strength from at the most difficult times. If I was a little too abstract, the answer is Amanda, and then of course my family and friends. I fight and I live for you, because there is no other option. Anyways, the real good news is we caught this recurrence early, we are gonna take the FOLFURI boot and slam it down on these little buggers and stamp em out. I don’t expect the side effects to be too bad for the wedding. So let’s get ready to party hardy. =-)
p.p.s. Body sculpting by my buddy Yovanny lol. Sorry Bud, guess we’re going to have to start from scratch again after I kick this things ass again.
LeeMarie January 17, 2013
10/9/2015 03:13:11 pm
Oh TJ. This is so powerful. Every hair on my body is standing up. The way that you have expressed this makes me feel every emotion. I am sad, I am mad, I am moved and I am strangely envious (hear me out!) of the love that you share with this woman and how fiercely you love each other and want to protect each other. I have been catching up on all of this for the last hour or so… I think I was afraid to look back after I saw you post that you were having scans. I am thinking of you, praying for you, sharing your story- it is encouraging everyone I tell. And moving them to tears. I am so happy that you will be celebrating your wedding in less than two weeks, even if you have to put a PortaPotty on the altar. I love you! I know you’ve got this. And congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and being able to spend eternity with your soulmate!!! XOXOXOXO.
TJ Baudanza January 17, 2013
10/9/2015 03:14:22 pm
Lol Lema, portapotty’s are too expensive, I was just going to grab a bedpan. 😉 gross. In all seriousness, thank you and love you too.
Jillian January 17, 2013
10/9/2015 03:14:48 pm
When I stumbled upon these words today my thoughts (positive, positive thoughts) immediately turned to you…“Bad things can happen, and often do–but they only take up a few pages of your story; and anyone can survive a few pages.”
Mike Murphy January 17, 2013
10/9/2015 03:15:16 pm
Tj….My wife Mary and I Are neighbors of your mom and dads at the cape and have met a couple times over rhe years. We have been following your story for some time and we have always have been amazed by your strength and powerful attitude while you deal with anything in your way of being healthier. Congrats on your upcoming wedding , have a wonderful time…..
Barbara Severance January 17, 2013
10/9/2015 03:15:44 pm
Margot January 17, 2013
10/9/2015 03:16:09 pm
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
Tom Mc January 18, 2013
10/9/2015 03:16:33 pm
Looking GREAT TJ!! Just know that we are all thinking and praying for you and your family. Have a fantastic wedding.
Mom January 19, 2013
10/9/2015 03:17:07 pm
oh Teej, the fear, the tears, the hurt you saw on our faces, yes they were there and they did come from a very dark place that we never ever want to be allowed out. The Roller coaster we have been on and seemed to be going so smoothly, quickly started up hill once again. I knew once Terry reached the door to the room that the news was not what we wanted to hear. She did not walk in but hesitated and her forced smile with pain in her eyes knowing what she was about to tell us all… At that very moment deep down inside me, inside my soul my anger was swirling but not at the news but instead telling me it is time once again to put on the “coat of armor” and to protect, be strong, be positive for I am Mom and that is what I do but not just for you for everyone. My girls, dad, Amanda and family and friends. You are in the “drivers seat” and this is your battle but we are in the passenger seat holding on for dear life with you. We do not feel the side effects of chemo, we feel side effects of hurt watching the chemo go into your body and the color drain from your face, your body twitching from being uncomfortable, your mood change and your smile gone. I/we will stay by your side through this battle once again and we will be there holding Amanda’s hand as well. We are the lucky ones because we have such a wonderful supportive family and a group of friends like no other. We are “TJ’s ARMY”……..
Liz January 20, 2013
10/9/2015 03:17:35 pm
Wow TJ – once again I am not only amazed by your courage and strength, but by your ability to put into words your feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. I am so proud and privileged to be in your Army. The love you and Amanda have for each other, and the love you both have for your families and friends is so inspiring and more than that, so beautiful. Reading your blog continues to send chills down my spine because you have such a gift for sharing with us your deepest and inner most feelings. As I told your Mom a few days ago, the Mt. Washington Inn will never be the same after next week end! Your Army will be there to share in the joy, love and commitment, that is you and Amanda. Love you. Liz. Xoxo
Nancy Spano January 21, 2013
10/9/2015 03:18:01 pm
Schnorr January 24, 2013
10/9/2015 03:18:26 pm
Schnorr January 24, 2013
10/9/2015 03:18:53 pm
and also I see you’ve found the time to cultivate a quasi-6-pack. whats up with that?
Lauren January 26, 2013
10/9/2015 03:19:21 pm
You’re such an inspiration and the most amazing fighter I know. You’re going to beat this again :) love to
LaNetta January 28, 2013
10/9/2015 03:19:49 pm
TJ- first and foremost, congrats to you and Amanda–I am so very happy for you both! This post is amazing, and I am so proud of you and your motivation and strength! You got this!! I will continue to pray for you. I’m hoping to hear some good news at your next visit and hopefully see some beautiful photos of your wedding/honeymoon. Keep up the good work, and keep on fighting the good fight. Please kiss that beautiful bride and enjoy your time together!
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