As the Ground Collapses Beneath Me

“TJ, believe me, this is never something I wanted to tell you, but unfortunately the disease has returned. There is recurrence in…….
​What a familiar feeling? To look around and see your friend’s and family’s eyes filled with tears again. No, they are not tears of joy. They come from some place different, some place much, much darker, a place where you hide away and harbor your deepest fears, hoping, praying, wishing, that they will never have a chance to bloom 

and come to fruition. Oh God, where is that handle, that crutch, that torch I have used to stabilize myself before, I must grab hold before the ground gives way and I fall back again forever into darkness? How to be strong and resilient again. Wheres is that focus that I have so often preached, that inspirational badge that I have repeatedly heard and so undutifully earned. Which direction is up and which is down, I know what I will say and how I will say it, but I need to find that solid ground before I become a false prophet and lead these people I love so dearly forever astray.

Those tears, those eyes, my Mom, my Dad, their faces…. Oh god, please show me the direction, show me the light, help me…. help me make this stop!. .. Wait….That sound, the heavy breathing, a sniffle,  a whimper behind me and a small shaking hand reaches out searching for strength and warmth. Not her, please, I can’t look at her…. Do I  even have it? How can I offer it to her if it’s not there? I turn and look…

The pain, the fear in the those eyes, those beautiful brown eyes I have come to love so dearly. The hurt…. I WILL NOT LET THEM HURT. My strength, my resilience… I can feel it!  My confusion, my doubt, its fading…. it’s gone… I don’t care how much pain I have to endure, I WILL NOT LET THEM HURT YOU. Look at me!…See my eyes… Believe me, I will not let them hurt you! I will endure, I will beat this again and again and again, because I live for you. Because I love you.

…. your liver, your lymph-nodes, and a very small location in your chest.” – Terry
“Ok, let’s beat this thing again” – TJ





All of my Love – Teej

p.s. Tomorrow the battle begins again. I had my powerport placed back in my clavicle area yesterday and I am a little sore from it. I start a slightly different cocktail than my last chemotherapy called FOLFURI Avastin. Basically they are replacing the oxaliplatin with irenotecan, this should get rid of the really bad neuropathy I dealt with during my last 12 cycles of chemo although, it does come with a couple fun new side affects like hair loss, cramping and diarrhea. So if I cut short and run after my wedding vows, don’t take it personally, nature calls haha. Anyway, I apologize if this one was a tear jerker. I figured some of you may want to know how one reacts to news like this, my thought process behind it, and most importantly where I derive my strength from at the most difficult times. If I was a little too abstract, the answer is Amanda, and then of course my family and friends. I fight and I live for you, because there is no other option. Anyways, the real good news is we caught this recurrence early, we are gonna take the FOLFURI boot and slam it down on these little buggers and stamp em out. I don’t expect the side effects to be too bad for the wedding. So let’s get ready to party hardy. =-)

p.p.s. Body sculpting by my buddy Yovanny lol. Sorry Bud, guess we’re going to have to start from scratch again after I kick this things ass again.