Forgive me in advance if this post lacks some of the luster of the previous. I currently have poison coursing through my veins, eating away at nerves, my thoughts, my memories, my mind…. yet, it is the front line of my battle against a disease that cripples so many, that takes from us countless loved ones. Shock and Awe, is that what they call it? A campaign that jolts people suddenly out of their normal thought process so that they ...
are suddenly awakened. Well, so be it. It it time for some of you to come awake, because I will not sit idly by while some of you slowly head towards a path that heads into these depths, a path that innumerable people never make it out of. I will.
A fog slowly creeps over my brain as my nerves awaken, not to pleasure but pain. Smiles, Tears, Touching, Chewing, Taste, all things that can usually bring pleasure and relief to our bodies are instead razor blades to their source of origin. As I rub my finger tips through my hair, pet my dogs, or touch the hand of my beautiful bride… I no longer feel it, the sensation is gone, the nerves are dead, all that lasts is a very beautiful treasured memory, a memory I struggle to keep alive.
As poison continues to enter though an inch long needle stabbed through my chest into the port in my clavicle for 48 hours, the body panics, it reacts in desperate attempts to purge and replenish. Thick tainted saliva floods the mouth relentlessly for 120 hours straight with three possible destinations: lungs, stomach or spittle. Regardless of the destination it will cause immense displeasure, resulting in nausea, unbearable heartburn, choking, coughing, taste change, insomnia, and eventually a few bouts of praying the the porcelain god, retching, physically drained and exhausted on the cold tile floor… the list goes on.
The drugs administered to help regulate the worst of these side effects have side effects of their own, which needs further medication to regulate them amassing a plethora of orange vials with white caps at my bedside. The bowels slow and food passing through turn to a texture similar to rigid glass. Glass that slowly cuts, scrapes and eventually tears through soft human flesh. Chemotherapy attacks rapidly dividing cells, unfortunately cancer isn’t the only thing that rapidly divides. So flesh once torn does not heal quickly and turns every trip to the bathroom into bloody agony… for 6 months.
Well, at least you can still enjoy eating right? wrong… The thick saliva makes the enjoyable and refreshing take on a putrid decomposing taste, even water no longer brings relief. Eating and drinking is out of desperation to maintain weight and energy. Instead of enjoyment, it is now a daunting task necessary to live. Yet after eating you know it will eventually end in either more glass tearing you apart or a fast moving fire that fills those cuts, scrapes and tears with stomach acid making your body truly understand the meaning of pain.
I could go on and on, write for pages and pages the turmoil that is cancer treatment. I didn’t even touch what recovering from surgery is like. But I think most of you will stop reading because it is to difficult to read. JUST THINK about that for a second. “To difficult to READ,” … just imagine living it.
Now, to all of you who still smoke, drink excessively, eat unhealthfully, consume fat burning drugs or steroids to help with exercise or those who simply don’t exercise this is your wake up call. Guess what, your headed in this direction. It’s time to make a change, for some, its too late and I’ll high five you as we pass in the infusion clinic.
I will tell you this, it is never too late to decide to live. It will simply be a lot easier mentally and physically if you make this decision now instead of waiting until your forced to, like me.
The time is now. Because the “It will not happen to me” attitude is bullshit, it WILL happen to you.
This is written with All of my love – Teej
p.s. I will write a blog on living /eating /exercising healthy to follow this up. For those of you who want a quick list:
Cut out processed and refined foods. (that’s pretty much everything in a box with an ingredient label on it, some exceptions.)
Eat more organic foods.
Eat more Fish, Poultry, Eggs and Eat less red meat.
STOP Drinking Sodas. Diet Soda is just as bad.
QUIT SMOKING. Do I have to write all of your names on here?
Drink Less Alchohol. If you want a drink to relax stick to healthier reds like Cabernet Sauvignon and Malbec. And I don’t mean the whole bottle.
Eat less sugar, artificial sweetners, and salt.
If eating bread, stick with whole grains. White bread = evil.
Eat less Dairy. If you are, try and stick with yogurts. If you need Milk try unsweetened almond milk, also pretty easy to make yourself. Again google is your friend.
Eat more organic vegetables and fruit. Try to avoid GMO (genetically modified organisms.) Whole foods has a great non gmo project where they are starting to label non gmo verified. Google it. Knowledge is power.
Exercise Daily, start of with at least walking and increase with vigor in time. If you don’t know how, hire a trainer. It’s expensive is not an excuse when it comes to your life.
Get at least 45 minutes of sunlight daily.
Meditate or Find a spiritual outlet.